The Patience of Job

Voltaire said, "God is a comedian playing to an audience afraid to laugh."  Translated, if you're a tight ass, there's a two drink minimum to read this article.
 
Let me just say, I believe in God but like many, I've questioned His existence.  Most people will say the reason they doubt God's existence is because, "If there's a God, why is there so much suffering, and why is there war?"  Blah, Blah, blah, blah blah...    
 
My sole reason for doubting the existence of God is work.  (I, however, never question the existence of a higher power for I worship at his altar every day from 9 to 5.)   
 
If there is a God why do we not have five-day weekends and two-day workweeks?  He's God.  He can make it happen.  In God we trust, right?  Well I trust in God to give us a five-day weekend.
 
Think of the positives of a two-day work week.  You'd say things like, "Wow, that workweek really flew bye." 
 
Think of what it would do for the economy because as Americans what are we really, but consumers?  Think of it this way.  If the United States Senate can get away with only working 110 days a year, why can't we?
 
Women will have five full days a week to shop, and tell men what to do.  Maybe, just maybe, we'll have more time to spend with our kids so they don't remain a bunch of illiterate crack heads.
 
More people might believe in heaven because life on earth won't be such a living hell. 
       
I believe, with faith, God will grant us my wish.  Let me illustrate through the Bible.  Isn't it ironic that in the book of the Bible where the name of the person who suffers the most is spelled J.O.B.? 
 
The story of Job is one of perseverance.  Job is given leprosy, has his family, money and worldly possessions taken from him and it's all a test of faith.  It is a horrible story!  I didn't like it when I read it but I said. "Fine, He's God.  He can do what He wants.  After all, it is His world.  Like Job, who am I to question?" 
 
What I can question are employers playing the part of God by expecting us to have the patience of Job in order to keep our job.  They may not be giving us infectious diseases but they are sure taking our money, ruining our personal lives, and making work a living hell.  (Personally, I don't have the patience of Job.  I'm like the Prodigal Son--at the first sign of a party I'm off to the fatted cow happy hour for half-price matzoh and dollar shots of Manishevitz.  If I need some bread I'll come back in the morning crawling on my hands and knees.)  
 
In the Book of Job, Job finally said, "Hey God, how bout a little something for the effort?"  God responded, "Don't question my authority but you're right.  I have been a little harsh on you."  Job then had all his riches returned ten-fold.  Now that's pretty just, is it not? 
 
Well, I'm asking, "Hey God, how bout a five-day weekend, for the heck of it?"  (If you see me on the golf course mid-week you'll know God answered my prayers.)
 
 

Michael P. Westhead is the founder of www.cutthroatcomedy.com which features original quotes, jokes, cartoons, products, and articles focusing on politics, current events and life in general.

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Marines Don't Take Crap

We live in a world of widgets.  People manufacture, distribute, and sell them.  You name it, they're doing it.  I have a friend who is a toilet paper salesman.  God bless him.  It's an honorable job and my butt and I give him a two ply thumbs up thank you butt it's not something I, personally, could ever do-do.   
 
I have a friend who told me once that the litmus test for taking a job is if you meet a girl and you're embarrassed to tell her what you do for a living then you probably shouldn't be doing it. 
 
Let me tell you about a career choice I was never embarrassed to tell girls about, the Marines.  Make no mistake.  The Marines are a business.  We manufacture the world's finest fighting force, and distribute them worldwide to sell Democracy.  If we have to, we'll kick their you know what, provide toilet paper to wipe their butts, and not even take their names because we wouldn't even know how to pronounce them.  
 
The enemy usually needs toilet paper when we get through with them because when they see the Marines land we usually scare the crap out of them.  What can I say?  War stinks!
 
There's a lot of things Marines do that stink.  We don't like it and complain that it's not what we signed up to do.  
 
We joined the military to see the world but all we end up seeing is bad weather and bad attitudes.  So we say, "If I wanted to deal with this merde I'd have taken a summer vacation in hell or a winter vacation in France.  The Germans spanked them, we had to save their butts, and now they're little ungrateful terds.   
 
I'd love to see a recruiter now.  "You'll get to travel the world."  Let's see, where I could have gone in the last ten years, Somalia, Afghanistan, Bosnia, and Baghdad.  Wow, can you throw in a free trip to Liberia?   
 
It's hard to tell a service member that the grass is never greener on the other side because the places are young men and women go usually don't have grass but war has some positives.  For instance, it educates the American people.  If you asked most Americans what the capital of South Dakota was they'd say, "I don't know."  If you asked them the capital of Afghanistan they'd say, "That's easy, Kabul." 
 
They also learn geometry too, hello Sunni Triangle.  The only problem is in a few years they might make the mistake of trying to book a vacation to the Sunny Triangle because they heard it was, to use the parlance of our times, "The bomb."
 
Marines actually have to go to these sewer holes.  They have to live there and survive and it is no joke to them or their families but they love it.  I used to get a kick out of Marines who said, "This is the hardest job in the world.  You never sleep and when you do it's in the dirt; you get to go hiking, with a 100 pound rucksack on your back, and you get paid to visit areas of the world you'd never pay money to go on vacation to see, but it's the greatest job in the world.  You'll love it."
 
Make no mistake, Marines love their jobs and as you probably know, are "The Few, The Proud."  Marines are prouder then game roosters and meaner then cocks.  If the Marines made toilet paper it would be two ply steal plates in order to cover their butts when they use the head.
 
Being is a Marine is a dirty job but the best part of it is that we don't take crap from anyone.  Every young man and woman should do a stint.  If you're interested, go down to your local recruiter and put your signature on a piece of paper, preferably one ply. 
 

Michael P. Westhead is the founder of www.cutthroatcomedy.com which features original quotes, jokes, cartoons, products, and articles focusing on politics, current events and life in general.

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Wanted: Treadmill for an Elephant

Maggie, the 22 year-old African elephant, has been a resident of the Alaska Zoo since 1983. The Zoo recently decided that Maggie needs nicer quarters, more attention, and a treadmill. She weighs 9,100 pounds and does not get enough exercise, especially during the long Alaskan winter months.

Alaska Zoo officials debated this past year about whether to keep Maggie. She has been the only elephant in the zoo since 1997 when her companion of 14 years, Annabelle, died. Some experts believe that in order to be healthy and happy a zoo elephant should be part of a small herd of 3 or more.

The Zoo's elephant committee decided that the risks of moving Maggie out of state and of totally changing her life were too great. Besides, she seems happy here and she has a familiar "herd" in Alaska already. Numerous Zoo officials, animal handlers and exercisers, and familiar frequent visitors spend many hours a day with her.

In order to increase Maggie's comfort and health, zoo officials decided to give Maggie's living quarters softer flooring and better ventilation. Zoo staff will also increase the number of hours that they spend with Maggie from 8 hours daily to 12 to 16 hours daily.

Finally, the Zoo will help Maggie get more year-round exercise and lose weight. They will purchase an elephant-sized treadmill. However, nobody has ever designed or built an elephant treadmill. Designs are being developed now, but if you have any good ideas bring them forward.

Then stand in line behind me to watch Maggie work out on her new treadmill.

Can you imagine the elephant-sized headphones and iPod that she'll need?

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Garry Gamber is a public school teacher and entrepreneur. He writes articles about real estate, health and nutrition, and internet dating services. He is the owner of http://www.Anchorage-Homes.com and http://www.TheDatingAdvisor.com.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Garry_Gamber

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Can't Get There From Here

Can't Get There From Here

Juneau is the capital of Alaska, but did you know that you cannot drive there from anywhere?

You can fly into Juneau or you can take a ferry to Juneau, but you can't actually drive there. There are no roads into Juneau. Can you imagine not being able to drive to the State Capital in the state where you live?

Normally, a lot of business and a lot of government takes place in a state's Capital. Not having easy access to it would create lots of problems, wouldn't it? Well, not in Alaska.

In fact, up until a few years ago Juneau was two time zones or more away from the rest of the state. A few years ago Alaska had five time zones. Now we have only two time zones and our Capital is now in the same time zone as most of the state.

Governor Frank Murkowski has a transportation plan that would include the building of a 65 mile road from Juneau to Skagway by the year 2010. That would connect Juneau by road to Anchorage, Fairbanks, and much of Alaska.

Of course, you would have to drive through part of Canada to get to Skagway. Not a big deal, since Canada still likes us.

However, many Alaskans are not too thrilled by the idea of building an expensive road to Juneau. According to Skagway business owner, Jan Wrentmore, "It will be as stupid an idea in 2010 as it is now."

Part of the issue is that Skagway and Haines depend on the marine ferry system for business, since Skagway and Haines are the northernmost terminus for tourists who want to disembark the ferry and drive. The fear is that Juneau would become the northernmost stopping point for the ferry if a road is built from Juneau to Skagway.

"We lose our status of what we've had for 100 years," said Jan Wrentmore. "It creates a competing port."

Of course, the rest of Alaska doesn't really care about the competing port issue. The point is that the rest of Alaska doesn't really care about the whole issue. Our legislators at the State Capital seem to get along just fine the way things are currently.

Change comes slowly in Alaska and I would guess that this issue will be talked about for a good many more years to come.

If we talk about it long enough, eventually it will become a mute issue. We won't need a road. Eventually we'll be able to teleport ourselves to the Capital if we wish.

Beam me up Governor.

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Garry Gamber is a public school teacher and entrepreneur. He writes articles about real estate, health and nutrition, and internet dating services. He is the owner of www.Anchorage-Homes.com and www.TheDatingAdvisor.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Garry_Gamber

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Funny Jokes - How To Add a Fun Element In Your Conversation

Having a good sense of humor can be great advantage for anyone. You can live through the everyday grind quite easily if you have the ability to find the funny twist. Like everything else in the world you can acquire the ability to tell funny jokes quite easily. Here are few steps for establishing yourself as great storyteller.

• Use current, unique and interesting material
• Copy the story telling style
• Create link of current time and some funny story
• Learn urban vocabulary, and stand up comic routines
• Play clean and always stay conscious of sensitivities
• Practice your story telling skill and learn form mistakes.

Your own life and things around you can provide you with huge material on this. The only thing to note is to find the effective way to tell the stories. You might need to have the fun vocabulary, the style along side the material also.

Most of the fun has to be result of some abnormality or perceived problem in some thing. You should try & find the problem that might be pinching or making you or audience uneasy and create a story around it. The story has to include some fun twists also, so include few juicy bits here and there as well.

The stand up comics and the radio presenters have to come as natural and un-rehearsed as possible. You can easily transfer their ability into your own conversation too, just keep eye on overall structure they use. Attending some comedy club or watching such shows can also give you some idea of how to tell funny jokes. Knowing the audience and occasion can help in so many ways too. You should try & play around the sensibilities of the crowd in right way.

Creating your own style can be quite good way also. Playing around the language, playing with situations, creating personal sketches, using your own memories can be great thing for any one wishing to find the inner voice. You can easily start the funny jokes based upon the every day situation, the movies, pop culture, artists, accidents, incidents, and shows are always great source for the humorous materials too.

For more information about Funny Jokes and Top Jokes visit my website.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Chris_J_Anderson

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